There are times when you hit the wall. When the cake is ash in your mouth. The wine makes you feel empty. There is no pleasure. Just a waiting which ticks by interminably. When you sit in a dark room and are tormented by fantasies of what could be.
I know. It sounds overly dramatic, but then I’ve been in a purgatory which finally shows signs of ending. I made the mistake of coming to a small village for a spell- where finding entertainment has proven to be impossible.
Remember when I posted about feeling like a nun? Skip that. I’ve hit mother superior and now the nuns are amazed at my chastity.
What the hell happened?!
I think it is because the challenges where a disappointment. Yes. One might have come to the pinnacle of capitulation, but for what? The sole purpose of scratching an itch? I would say that there is insatiability, and then there is simple desperation… and Ive never fucked out of desperation.
Oh… there was that time at the gangbang night, but I shan’t divulge that tale at this time.
I have had an exploration with a younger lady who proved not an appropriate fit and the entire scenario was a disappointing expenditure of erotic resources. In that way when you find yourself waiting for the shoe to drop, and then it does. Some things need time to grow and build. They cannot be rushed. It’s like a bottle of beautiful wine. There is the urge to swallow it back, chasing that beautiful, languorous feeling of lust but end up with a headache. Or you take it sip by delicious sip, exploring the taste of intoxication minute after minute. She wanted to guzzle but nothing goes as planned. I’m a sipper these days. I like to savor every precious step. No sane person starts a car in 4th gear, and that’s what she wanted.
So instead I’ve been tasting other things. Delicious food. Delectable wine. The adventures of travel. One could say that my gluttony has diverted to the digestible from the erotic. My sexual wheels are spinning, but perhaps the palette cleansing has been good for me. Obviously, there is frustration, but sometimes frustration brings creativity… and when I find the one who is worth the submission, it will be ever so much more delicious.
I don’t know if it is much of a difference. I’ve traded one deadly sin for another. No. That’s not true. The Lust is still there… with the Gluttony. Greed has always been a problem with my lust. I want it all. I always have. I will drink the wine, glass after glass, and I will give you my body, inch after inch. It simply can’t be forced. It can’t be faked. These days… It just can’t be used by the unworthy. The person who loses themselves in my body needs to be worth it. My submission, my soul, my passion… It’s a pearl and I refuse to cast it before swine.
Third sin… Pride….